If You Were Here Read online

  “Daniel?” The doctor asked, coming close enough that Daniel could see the stubble on his cheeks.

  Panic rose in Daniel’s chest as he tried to reconcile the feeling of being stuck in two very different scenes at once. The nurse bustled in and out of Daniel’s view, attending to things and assisting the doctor.

  “Daniel,” the doctor said, “you’re awake.” His hand reached towards Daniel’s face. He could feel himself flinch. “You’re awake now.”

  The deep, frightened breaths Daniel had been taking began to subside. He was safe. He was clearly in a hospital. But why? After some sort of accident? He moved his eyes around slowly, taking in the bright, colorful row of cards on the windowsill. There was a red and green poinsettia plant on a table next to an empty chair. The nurse had tiny jingling bells dangling from her earlobes and Daniel could hear them as she moved, the sound of the bells on her ears replacing the distant sounds of a city street and a crowded bar filled with music.

  “Merry Christmas, hon,” the nurse said, leaning across Daniel’s chest and pressing a button on the beeping machine. “This is going to be quite a gift for your mom.” Her voice was soft and soothing, and Daniel stared at the little sprig of mistletoe pinned to her shirt just above a name tag that said Janice.

  “We need to call Mom right away,” the doctor said. “Get her in here as soon as possible.”

  “Of course,” Nurse Janice said, walking around to the other side of the bed and readjusting the bag of fluid dripping into Daniel’s arm. “I’ll call her as soon as we have him comfortable here.”

  Daniel’s limbs twitched under the bedsheets. He could finally feel his arms and legs and he wanted to move them.

  “Just hold on there, sweetheart,” Janice said, putting a warm hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get you situated before you start trying to get up and run a marathon.”

  Daniel tried to smile and say something, but the words were jumbled in his head. Not only that, but something was blocking his mouth. It felt like the year he’d tried to play football in middle school—it was like he had a mouth guard clenched between his teeth, only he couldn’t spit it out. He tried to cough, to speak, but Janice touched his forehead.

  “Shh, shh.” Janice moved her face so he could see it. “You’ve got a respirator that’s helping you breathe, and we’re not ready to take it out yet. Just relax.”

  During the next hour, Daniel drifted in and out a couple of times, but he was aware of the fact that when he closed his eyes, he stayed where he was. No Jenny. No Roger. No Andy. No 1986.

  Finally, the door to the hospital room flew open and a wild-eyed Lisa rushed in. “Daniel?” she said breathlessly, coming to his side. As always, her hair was a mess, coat falling from her shoulders. She dropped her purse on the floor carelessly. “I’m here, Daniel.”

  Her voice penetrated the dreamlike state he was floating in. His eyes opened slowly.

  Lisa’s breath caught in her throat. “You’re awake!” she said, putting one hand on her son’s forehead and running it through his hair gently so that she didn’t touch the bandages covering his head wound. The thought of a bullet cracking through her son’s skull still made her nauseous to the point that she felt like passing out. “Hi, honey,” she whispered, leaning in and putting her cool, dry lips to his cheek.

  Daniel looked at her through narrowed eyes. His mother was there. And she looked semi-sober. She smelled faintly of cigarettes and perfume.

  “It’s Christmas Eve,” Lisa said, taking her son’s hand in her own. Nurse Janice had entered the room again, moving busily as she checked vitals and smiled at the scene in front of her. “It’s Christmas and my son is awake.” Lisa looked at Janice with tears in her eyes. “Is he going to have this breathing tube removed?”

  Janice gave her a close-lipped smile. “Soon, hon. The doctor wants to make sure he’s completely stable before we make any big changes.”

  Lisa nodded and sniffled to hide her tears. “Hey,” she said to Daniel, squeezing his hand. “I’m so happy you’re awake.”

  Daniel looked back at her from behind the imaginary wall of glass that divided them. Not being able to speak to her was actually a blessing in disguise. Thoughts of the things he’d seen filled his head. He wanted to blurt out stories about 1986 and ask questions, but the respirator stopped him from saying the kinds of things that would make him sound crazy.

  “I have so many things to tell you,” Lisa said to her son, leaning in close to his ear. Her eyes were watery. “Could you hear everything when you were asleep? Did you know that Grandpa came to visit you?”

  Daniel thought about it. Had he known what was going on in the room? Did he even know why he was there? Sounds and memories filtered through his mind. Voices. Words. Had he been there long? He felt like someone had hit him in the head with a hammer, but he had no idea why he felt this way. The nurse passed behind his mother, pausing to look at him and smile. She shook her head like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

  “Yes, Grandpa came, and you’ve had lots of visitors.” Lisa reached out and smoothed the blanket and sheets around him, her eyes still full of unshed tears. “And now it’s Christmas and you’re awake.”

  The machines around his bed grew louder in Daniel’s ears as he listened to the sounds in the room. Every little noise separated itself from all the other beeps and blips, creating a symphony of sound in Daniel’s pounding head. Soon, he could hear nothing but electronic noises. His mother’s mouth moved, but nothing came out.

  In an instant, the nurse was at his bedside again, her eyes concerned. Why was everyone looking at him with wide eyes and mouths that were moving silently? Daniel’s eyes shifted around the room. It was all sound. Just noise. The room grew whiter around him. It was like someone had turned up the lights and suddenly he couldn’t keep his eyes open against the brightness and the loud noises.

  So he didn’t.

  He shut his eyes again, trying to make it all go away.

  23

  February 15, 1986

  Saw You in a Dream

  “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Jenny rolled over and looked me in the eye. I had no idea how she’d ended up in my bed.

  Okay, technically “in” my bed was taking it a step too far. She was on top of the covers next to me, dressed in jeans and a thick gray sweater. She reached out one hand and set it on my face.

  “I was so worried about you when I couldn’t find you in the bar. That guy outside said you freaked out on him. What happened?”

  Honestly, I had no idea what had happened. I wasn’t even sure what day it was as I stared into Jenny’s eyes. All I knew as I laid there in bed was that I’d somehow taken a short trip to my old life, and now had more questions than answers.

  “Hey,” Andy said, knocking lightly on the door. He poked his head into the bedroom. “How’s the patient?”

  “Awake.” Jenny sat up and scooted to the edge of the waterbed. “He hasn’t told me yet what happened.”

  “Someone probably spiked his drink is what happened.” Andy shot me a pitiful look. “Don’t drink from an open cup in bars, dude. Have I taught you nothing?” He came all the way into the room and shut the door behind him.

  This whole scene felt familiar for a second: me, lying in a bed, looking up at two worried faces as they assessed me. It felt different in some ways, but it was still eerily like the flashes I’d had of myself in a hospital room. My mom had been there. The doctor and the nurse had been attending to me. Something had obviously happened to me, but what? Was I somehow incapacitated? In a coma?

  “So are you going to tell your parents?” Jenny asked Andy in a loud whisper. I wasn’t sure if the whispering was for my benefit or for someone else’s, but I could hear every word.

  “I don’t know,” Andy said, running a hand through his hair. “He looks fine now, doesn’t he?”

  Jenny turned around and looked at me from her spot at the foot of my bed. I wanted her to come back and lay next to me agai
n. Put her hand on my face. That would make me feel better.

  “Yeah, I guess…” She looked unconvinced as she watched me. “But don’t you think your mom would want to take him to the doctor or something?”

  “She’d probably want to have him institutionalized.” Andy leaned against the wall next to my closet and folded his arms across his chest.

  My closet. The floorboard. My phone. A terrible feeling washed over me as I remembered my shattered iPhone.

  “I think I’m okay, guys,” I said, speaking for the first time since I’d woken up. My voice sounded like a frog’s croak. “I feel fine.”

  Jenny turned back to me and the waterbed waved, making me feel like a boat on the ocean. “Daniel!” she said. “What happened last night?”

  I tried to sit up, but my head still hurt. I had to lay it on the pillow behind me and close my eyes for a second.

  “Nothing happened,” I assured her. “I had a headache yesterday while I was getting ready, and it came back at the bar. That’s all.”

  “That’s true,” Andy confirmed. “He did have a headache while he was picking out a shirt. He almost went with this pink thing.” Andy reached for the pink button-up shirt I’d suggested before my date with Jenny. It was dangling sloppily from a hanger in my open closet. “I thought he was having a stroke or something.” He let go of the shirt and made a face.

  Jenny ignored him. “So no one gave you drugs? No one hit you? You didn’t feel anything other than a headache?” Her questions came fast as she watched my face.

  “No, nothing else. I promise.”

  It was quiet for a second as Andy and Jenny exchanged a look. They seemed convinced for the moment.

  “Okay, then here’s the plan,” Andy said, pushing himself away from the wall. “My parents are out with Lisa. I’ll tell them he’s not feeling well and that I’m keeping an eye on him. Maybe they’ll think it’s just the flu or something.”

  I looked back and forth between the two of them as they hatched a scheme to keep my grandparents out of the loop.

  “And I can stay up here and actually look after him,” Jenny said, putting one hand on my leg.

  “As long as my mom doesn’t find out you’re up here,” Andy said with a smirk. He walked to the door. “Okay, kids, have fun. I’ll check in on you later.”

  I stared at Jenny. She was staying with me. This was too good to be true.

  “Should I do a secret knock or something?” Andy teased, hitting the door with his knuckles. “Make sure it’s okay to come in? I could use the beat of a song. Maybe something by the Cure?” He raised an eyebrow at Jenny.

  “Whatever,” she said, but I could tell she was amused by Andy, just like everyone else. “Just tell us when your parents get home.”

  Andy closed the door behind him and left.

  “So, you’re awake,” Jenny said, crawling back across the bed and laying next to me again. She was on her side, and she propped her head up on one hand and looked at me. “You’re awake, and I’m here to take care of you. So what should we do?”

  I smiled at her. “I don’t know. You’re taking care of me, boss. So I guess that’s your call.”

  Jenny leaned forward slowly and put her lips against my cheek. “Okay.” She kissed me on my face once, twice, three times, moving her lips towards mine as she scooted closer. “Then just relax,” she said, fitting herself against the side of me. Her body felt warm.

  The memory of being in a white room came back as Jenny kissed me. The faces, the voices, the sounds. I wanted to block it all out and focus on her face. Her eyes were closed as her lips moved over mine. Her soft hair touched my cheek. I kept looking at her, kissing her, but I still heard the voices of the people in the white room.

  Where had I been? Why was my head still in so much agony? I put my hand on the back of Jenny’s head and held her as she kissed me. My mother’s face—not my mother as a kid, but the mom I was used to—appeared in my mind. This was a terrible time to think of her. I didn’t want that at all.

  Jenny moved closer to me, and I let my hand make its way up the back of her sweater. Her skin was warm against my palm. I wanted all thoughts of my mother banished from my mind here. Jenny was in my bed, and my mother was definitely not welcome to join us. I closed my eyes and felt Jenny part her lips as she kissed me.

  “It’s Christmas and my son is awake.” My mother’s voice rang out in my head and my eyes flew open. “Are you going to take the breathing tube out?”

  “What’s wrong?” Jenny pulled back. Her eyes opened slowly. “Am I hurting you?”

  I shook my head against the pillow. “No,” I said. My voice was still scratchy. The only thing wrong was that my mom wouldn’t get out of my damn head. I ran my hand across Jenny’s back underneath her sweater. “Nothing’s wrong at all. This is making me feel much better.”

  Jenny’s worried face melted into a pleased smile. “Oh. Well in that case, I’ll keep going.” She started kissing me again. I don’t know what had been going on in the white room where my mother wanted a breathing tube taken out, but I knew what was going on here was far more interesting. I closed my eyes and tried to think only of Jenny.

  I pushed her sweater up as I felt her put her hand in my hair. Nothing my mother could say would distract me now. I let my hand move further up her spine, running it across her shoulder blades beneath the heavy sweater. It was then that I realized she had nothing on under the gray wool that covered her.

  “Could you hear everything when you were asleep? Did you know that Grandpa came to visit you?” My mother’s voice in my head. Again. I nearly shoved Jenny off me in frustration. Nearly, but not quite.

  She stopped kissing me. “What?” She looked annoyed this time. “Are you not liking this?”

  “No! No, I am,” I promised her. “I’m just trying to remember…”

  “Remember what?” Jenny sat up and her sweater fell back into place.

  “Last night,” I said hurriedly. “I was just trying to remember what happened. But it’s not important right now.”

  Jenny smiled at me. “No,” she said, reaching out with a finger and touching the end of my nose. “No, it’s not important right now.”

  “This is more important,” I said, reaching for her finger and grabbing her hand to pull her back down. “Come lay next to me again.” She laughed as I wiggled her back into position at my side. “This is the best medical care I’ve ever gotten.”

  With a smile, Jenny kissed me. I put both of my hands under her sweater this time and held her to me so she’d know I wanted her there. Within seconds, all thoughts of my mother were gone. Her voice was blocked, the white room was gone, none of it existed. The only thing that mattered right then was Jenny.

  24

  February 28, 1986

  Clocks

  “So what the hell?” Roger sat down in front of me in the cafeteria. He dropped a tray of what looked vaguely like food onto the fake wood table and slid onto the bench. The slice of square pizza on his tray was dotted with little chunks of something that was supposed to pass for sausage, but looked more like the hamburger meat they used in tacos.

  “What?” I pushed my own tray away and put my elbows on the table. The cafeteria was noisy and full of people trying to get one another’s attention in the most obnoxious ways possible.

  “You’ve been here for two months now.” Roger opened his carton of milk and tipped his head back, drinking the whole thing in two gulps. He set the empty container on the tray and raised his fist over it like he was going to smash it. “Wait—this is still you, right?” he whispered conspiratorially, leaning across the table so the girls next to us wouldn’t hear. They weren’t listening anyway, but I gave him bonus points for trying to be discrete about sitting with a time traveler.

  “It’s still me,” I said, opening my own carton of chocolate milk.

  “Good. I keep forgetting to ask because you look like the old you, but you act like the new you, and…it gets confusing sometimes.
”

  “For me, too.” I looked down the table at a knot of football players in their letterman’s jackets. One of them was drinking a Pepsi from a hole he’d punched in the side of his can with a car key.

  “So are you feeling alright? Jenny was pretty freaked out by the whole Valentine’s Day episode.”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, my head still hurts a little sometimes.” I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to divulge to Roger, or how much to say about it at school. It’s not that anyone would have a clue what we were talking about, but for some reason I’d gotten used to showing up at Westchester High and focusing on what I had to do to get by there. Just in case I woke up in 2016 at any point, I wanted to make sure that this Daniel didn’t come back to find that I’d entirely fucked up his grades and his life. So I wrote papers, took tests, listened to my teachers as they lectured about equations, the Cold War, and Yeats, and I took notes that I’d leave in Daniel’s binder for him so he wouldn’t be lost if and when he came back. I figured it was the least I could do.

  “You wanna do something after school?” Roger picked up a limp french fry from my tray. “You eating these?” He shoved it into his mouth before I could reply.

  “No, go for it. They’re all yours.” I pushed the tray towards him. “And yeah, we could do something after school. What do you have in mind?”

  “Mall?” He shoved a fistful of lukewarm fries into his mouth and talked as he chewed them.

  “Boring.”

  “Your house?”

  “Lisa will be there. And she’s super annoying sometimes.” It had taken me a while to look at my mom like a truly irritating kid sister, but she actually fit the bill really well.

  “Arcade?” Roger raised his eyebrows as he flicked the chunks of hamburger off his pizza and took a bite. “I still have all the coins I’ve been saving up since last summer.”

  I thought about the arcade: noisy, full of people, the bells and dings of the pinball machines and the video games filling a dark room. It actually sounded kind of fun. “Yeah. Let’s go.”